i was watching Ghost Town last night and the main female character was an egyptologist.

there was a scene where she was giving a lecture about a mummy's mysterious death at the Met museum in New York.

that 2 minute scene made me realize how i would love to have that job.
to research artifacts.
to give out lectures to a crowd of 15 people.
to be the host of a fundraiser.
to get offered a job to work outside the country.

sigh.

my current life is going in the opposite direction of what i really want.

what can i tell you?
i'm a parent pleaser.

a little late to talk about the new year...

but so far year 2009 is going pretty well.
i feel better in an odd way.

i feel like i've laughed and smiled a lot more this past month than i have the entire last year.
which is good.
good for me.

working at korean air is intense.
5 hours a day, 5 days a week.
6;30 am-11:30 am.
waking up when it's still dark and leaving at a specific time or else i'll be late is rough.
and then having to stand on my feet in high heels for 5 hours straight, dealing with foreign travelers is exhausting.

everyday is different.
it's never boring that's for sure.
i never realized how complex an international airline works.

and when in the world am i going to get my badge and uniform?! damn the FBI for taking forever with my badge and damn Korea for taking ages to make my uniform.

anyway, time to get a mani and a pedi. yay!

i feel...anxious...

meeting old friends from high school over the holidays has made me realize just how much i have missed them.
it has made me wonder why i didnt hang out with them a lot back then.
i think if i did, things would be so different right now.

some friends i've talked to in the past few days have repeatedly asked me why i'm still single.
and i wonder myself, why am i?
am i too picky?
am i too shy?
do i just give off that friend vibe instead of that potential girlfriend vibe?

i miss the idea of having someone special in my life.
i miss the warmth of a guy holding me.

i've been alone for far too long.
i dont want to casually date anymore.
i want something profound...something serious.

"I've been dating since I was 15, I'm exhausted! Where is he?!" - Charlotte York

i've learned that the one thing i've been doing to myself all along is making me sick.

keeping everything to myself apparently is making me ill.
i'm not completely sure how it works but that's what the doctor said so i'll just take his word for it.

why cant i ever show my true feelings?
my anger, my frustrations, my sorrows, my happiness...all kept inside.

i wish to be more open and unafraid of what will come if i reveal these things to the outside.